Jack is no longer the kindly old man who makes sure we juice things. Now he's a jumpsuit-clad Big Brother, forcing us to consume raw vegetables and swim two hours a day or risk being turned over to the Ministry of Love.

I do not, under any circumstances, recommend watching this video. No rack of delicious ribs could be succulent enough to take the pain away.

The late 70s. Drugs. Terrible rock music. Jack Palance. Andy Warhol. Even more terrible disco music. A nerd getting doused in baby powder by a semi-nude maid. I'd go on, but this frightening description is making Cocaine Cowboys sound more interesting than it actually is.

The lady from Ace of Base is out for justice!

While it's got a lot of the trappings of your run of the mill blaxploitation film, it's more than just a Superfly knockoff starring the guy who wrote the theme from "Shaft." It's Truck Turner, and if you'll pardon my ridiculous movie critic pun, this Truck is no ordinary ride.

Chaos theory is now writing movie scripts!

And you thought bird flu was a global epidemic in the making - holy hell, the world is being invaded by clones of David Hasselhoff!

Hogan's character is the Flying Nun with a receding hairline and overactive salivary glands.

I remember that fateful day in fifth grade, when the girls went with a female teacher and we boys went with the principal and we had frank, earthy discussions about our changing bodies...

Evil Anthony Geary is depraved - what's "roughing a guy up" compared to hiring a dong-chomping maniac as your enforcer?